Hello!

Welcome to the Chortle Drive to Survive—our weeklong descent into shamelessness, emotional manipulation, and light begging in the name of independent comedy.

That's right. It's a pledge week, people.

This is our very first fundraising effort, and I'm optimistic it won't be too annoying. Basically, you’ll be getting a few extra emails explaining why we could use your support. But they’ll still be short and funny, and they're still from me—a tired man trying to support his family by writing jokes on the internet.

Doesn't that sound like a nice thing to support?

Here’s everything you need to know about the Drive to Survive:

📢 Announcements

• Price Change: At the end of this week, our price is going up to $70/year or $7/month. But if you upgrade this week, you can lock in a one-year subscription for the old price: just $50!
• New Perk: All paid subscribers will have the ability to Request-a-Topic. If there's a particular news story or aspect of life you want to laugh about, one of our writers will do their best to spin it into comedy gold.
• New Tier: Introducing Chortle LOLigarchs—a new premium tier for people who want to support us even more (and get a few fun extras). Keep scrolling to read about it.

🎯 Goals

• $3,000! This is our topline goal. The money raised will go directly to developing new, bigger, and funnier projects. Let's break it down a little further, though...
• 25 Paid Subscribers! We've been hovering between 85 and 90 paid subscribers since mid-March. Twenty-five additional paid readers will be important new revenue, and will also get me...
  • An orange checkmark! Substack gives a 'Bestseller Badge' to any author with over 100 paid subscribers. This is important social proof that Chortle is worth subscribing to, and it will also give me extra access to Substack resources and support. (Plus, I've never had a social media checkmark and I'm definitely vain enough to want one!)
• 8 LOLigarchs! Not everyone can become an oligarch who manipulates the future of American society... but anyone can be a LOLigarch, who manipulates the future of Chortle! This new tier for our biggest supporters and fans costs $250/year (about a dollar per post) and includes a still-evolving array of extra benefits.
  • Quarterly behind-the-scenes updates.
  • An exclusive free t-shirt.
  • You tell me! Literally, if you want me to do something and you join this tier, I'll probably do it, no questions asked.

🫵 How You Can Help

This one's easy. Upgrade to a paid subscription for just $5/month or $50/year.

Or, if you're feeling bolder than Elon and twice as drugged-up, become a LOLigarch.

Finally, share Chortle with a friend. Have you already told someone about us? Tell them again! Most people don’t subscribe the first time they hear about something—sometimes it takes a few nudges. (Trust me on this one.)

Thanks for reading,
Greg

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